Friday, March 2, 2012
The irony how my last two posts had been about letting out emotions and the next one is going to be the same as well.
There is nothing special about 1st of March. It was just yesterday where every part of the world was celebrating a rare occasion that happens once in every four years (no we’re not talking about sports or Olympics) and to me, it was nothing different than any other day. Same goes for this year’s Valentine’s day.
2012 this year in the beginning started off well, surprising me at unexpected moments and showering me with the affection and love I needed from the people I turn to so often. However, as the semester began for me, I was losing that laughter and smile most people had known me for, and I was turning back into the self-absorbed world I had been in during my stressful times last two semesters.
I sometimes wonder what I should prioritize more. And although most of the time the answer is as clear as glass walls, I had never been truly confident with the path or choice that I made even though I was proud to mention it to everyone else. My future does feel like a blur now, it feels so ordinary, so bland and most of the time I’m going like “What now?”
And today was somehow a day I felt like I needed to reflect back. Everything I needed to do, everything I used to feel, came rushing in. I do feel inferiority complex around pretty girls but I grew to be immune to that in my later part of college. But today felt like it was high school; insecure. I would instantly know the pretty girl every guy’s eyeing for was. I could tell. (something) I could be better being an analyst for everyone else but myself. My girl friends that broke up with their boyfriends last year had either new flings or new partners this year. Some who wish to remain single had admirers which they never knew of. I strangely felt alone, despite knowing that 90 % of them are single and hanged out with them during Valentine’s Day, and emptier in a different way.
Sometimes I would just make myself feel better, looking at this girl’s picture thinking ‘nah she isn’t that pretty’ just to boost my own self-esteem. But later that day, when I decided to see how she looked in person, my heart sank. It was clear she wasn’t photogenic, because she was way more beautiful in person.
I had always told myself not to create this unnecessary self-beating that does me no good. I needed to instil confidence in myself and that would make me shine in my own way. But I have always wondered, have I done much to improve? Was I making myself more delusional than I already am?
While today felt way more emotional than it already was, I decided to head to the admin’s office, a visit that has been too often that I feel that it could be a nuisance to them. I waited for my placement counsellor to finally sit down and type my recommendation letter and she finished it on the spot, to my joy. I at first didn’t want to read it (because on the website, I decided to waive the right to view such letter) but my curiosity and excitement was pulling me to the screen.
I wasn’t exactly happy with the way she wrote it, but it was an honest view from her. Noticed that I would be slightly down with the first sentence of the letter started off sardonically (no it wasn’t sardonic, it was more of an insult), she quickly mentioned how it was the best letter she had ever written within the shortest amount of time. While that gave me a temporary lift in emotions, I realized later when I was heading back home how the letter made me sound so much of a follower than a leader, totally the opposite thing I wanted. I had been striving so hard to make myself a better leader that everyone could look up to but after reading that message over and over again in my head, I realized my goofy personality had been a bad trait for me and prevented me to achieve the aim I wanted.
But I really wanted to be serious, and get rid of that happy-go-lucky personality. I hated the fact that no one I knew saw me as an extremely great potential leader the moment they meet me. I had always been trying to make people happy, lift their hearts up but have never tried to make mine the same. And when I got serious, everyone felt that the change was not what they want to see from me. I truly didn’t know what to be, who to be, what defines myself.
I constantly battle with my own thoughts, sometimes I just want to be independent, and then I’ll fall back to be the dependant and carefree person I was. Sometimes I feel like I’m just masking up everything every day, and I can never tell what’s genuine anymore. Every time I would hear “Just be yourself” “You’ll find someone someday” “Time will heal your wounds” every sort of cliché phrase that sounds pathetic (which I also used it on people, the irony of how pathetic I think it sounds) and it just doesn’t cut it for me. I had always imagined how my alter ego would be like, and I wish I was just like her, so likeable, so admired by many. And then I look at how pathetic I look among the crowd.
And the clock has struck twelve, and I haven’t done anything productive other than these pointless ramblings that happen occasionally when I feel like it and long forgotten after that and process repeats. There are people clubbing now, hanging out with already taken pretty girls, again compared to some average looking person like me, sitting in front of my computer, attempting to shed out my emotions out of the corner of my eye, but left with no strength to kill the sorrow inside.
There is nothing special about 1st of March. It was just yesterday where every part of the world was celebrating a rare occasion that happens once in every four years (no we’re not talking about sports or Olympics) and to me, it was nothing different than any other day. Same goes for this year’s Valentine’s day.
2012 this year in the beginning started off well, surprising me at unexpected moments and showering me with the affection and love I needed from the people I turn to so often. However, as the semester began for me, I was losing that laughter and smile most people had known me for, and I was turning back into the self-absorbed world I had been in during my stressful times last two semesters.
I sometimes wonder what I should prioritize more. And although most of the time the answer is as clear as glass walls, I had never been truly confident with the path or choice that I made even though I was proud to mention it to everyone else. My future does feel like a blur now, it feels so ordinary, so bland and most of the time I’m going like “What now?”
And today was somehow a day I felt like I needed to reflect back. Everything I needed to do, everything I used to feel, came rushing in. I do feel inferiority complex around pretty girls but I grew to be immune to that in my later part of college. But today felt like it was high school; insecure. I would instantly know the pretty girl every guy’s eyeing for was. I could tell. (something) I could be better being an analyst for everyone else but myself. My girl friends that broke up with their boyfriends last year had either new flings or new partners this year. Some who wish to remain single had admirers which they never knew of. I strangely felt alone, despite knowing that 90 % of them are single and hanged out with them during Valentine’s Day, and emptier in a different way.
Sometimes I would just make myself feel better, looking at this girl’s picture thinking ‘nah she isn’t that pretty’ just to boost my own self-esteem. But later that day, when I decided to see how she looked in person, my heart sank. It was clear she wasn’t photogenic, because she was way more beautiful in person.
I had always told myself not to create this unnecessary self-beating that does me no good. I needed to instil confidence in myself and that would make me shine in my own way. But I have always wondered, have I done much to improve? Was I making myself more delusional than I already am?
While today felt way more emotional than it already was, I decided to head to the admin’s office, a visit that has been too often that I feel that it could be a nuisance to them. I waited for my placement counsellor to finally sit down and type my recommendation letter and she finished it on the spot, to my joy. I at first didn’t want to read it (because on the website, I decided to waive the right to view such letter) but my curiosity and excitement was pulling me to the screen.
I wasn’t exactly happy with the way she wrote it, but it was an honest view from her. Noticed that I would be slightly down with the first sentence of the letter started off sardonically (no it wasn’t sardonic, it was more of an insult), she quickly mentioned how it was the best letter she had ever written within the shortest amount of time. While that gave me a temporary lift in emotions, I realized later when I was heading back home how the letter made me sound so much of a follower than a leader, totally the opposite thing I wanted. I had been striving so hard to make myself a better leader that everyone could look up to but after reading that message over and over again in my head, I realized my goofy personality had been a bad trait for me and prevented me to achieve the aim I wanted.
But I really wanted to be serious, and get rid of that happy-go-lucky personality. I hated the fact that no one I knew saw me as an extremely great potential leader the moment they meet me. I had always been trying to make people happy, lift their hearts up but have never tried to make mine the same. And when I got serious, everyone felt that the change was not what they want to see from me. I truly didn’t know what to be, who to be, what defines myself.
I constantly battle with my own thoughts, sometimes I just want to be independent, and then I’ll fall back to be the dependant and carefree person I was. Sometimes I feel like I’m just masking up everything every day, and I can never tell what’s genuine anymore. Every time I would hear “Just be yourself” “You’ll find someone someday” “Time will heal your wounds” every sort of cliché phrase that sounds pathetic (which I also used it on people, the irony of how pathetic I think it sounds) and it just doesn’t cut it for me. I had always imagined how my alter ego would be like, and I wish I was just like her, so likeable, so admired by many. And then I look at how pathetic I look among the crowd.
And the clock has struck twelve, and I haven’t done anything productive other than these pointless ramblings that happen occasionally when I feel like it and long forgotten after that and process repeats. There are people clubbing now, hanging out with already taken pretty girls, again compared to some average looking person like me, sitting in front of my computer, attempting to shed out my emotions out of the corner of my eye, but left with no strength to kill the sorrow inside.
annatanzyilyn ♥ 12:35 AM.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sometimes in life, we breathe out joy.
We breathe out love, we breathe out hope.
At times, I don't know what I'm doing here, why I'm doing this, what's my life purpose?
What is religion really?
Sometimes I hate all these talk of "come know the Lord, your life will be free" and all those people who pressured me to be in a certain religion.
But what is religion?
I believe that although this sounds so selfish, the only thing that makes me believe is my sole relationship between God. Or anyone. No external pressure, no internal pressure. Nothing.
Where does it draw the line of being selfish? When in the beginning, we've been taught that we should take care of ourselves first then only others.
I feel all these money, degree, education stuff, is making me feel like a blunt mess.
And I'd like to highlight to anyone not to take pity on my downfall, or my background, or anything about myself. Sure I do like being cared for, but I don't need you to introduce me to some counselling or some professional self-help course just because you, as my friend, are not capable of helping me.
Have an ear, listen, and know how I feel. Know when other people can intervened in my situations and don't think you can handle me just because you know experts who know how to.
I am myself. So shut up, accept it, understand me, and I'll respect you the same way.
I am myself. So shut up, accept it, understand me, and I'll respect you the same way.
annatanzyilyn ♥ 3:40 PM.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Untangling.
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed?
I would not consider this one of my emotional moments. Rather I would consider this a moment to pour out feelings.
Half a year has gone and I'll be off to America in a year's time. My life feels like it's sped up quicker than I thought and my lack of extra curricular posts back in high school has made me an extreme high achiever in college, taking up all the committee posts I could have gotten back then.
I know that quantity does not make up for quality in testimonials but there's this desire that makes me want to do more of what I have not done before. As a result, my time management is crazily imbalance, I wake up wondering what I have not done yet and what's due even though I'm on semester break.
I am not naturally kiasu. In fact, I'm self-contented with many things in life and I'm the kind that wouldn't push the extra mile if it's unnecessary. But every time I felt satisfied with where I stand, the moment I see a close friend of mine being a lot better than me, I feel so unsatisfied with where I'm standing.
Sure, tell me not to compare, tell me to be happy with where I am, but my personality has grown to where if I'm not the best, I don't know who else will be. I have been inferior to everyone else all my life, it's time for me to just break out of this shell.
It's funny how I know what's bad for me yet I continue to dwell in it. I am unfortunately motivated by negative emotions like pressure and stress to excel, the way most Asian kids grow up. I could have been different, I could have learned to have fun. I've been disappointed way too much with my social life, that I decided that I should just stick to being anti-social.
Most of the time I want to be found when I'm alone.
annatanzyilyn ♥ 10:27 PM.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Deep down I'm still in love with you.
Despite hating your guts.
Despite you ignoring me.
Despite you ignoring me.
Despite you thinking I'm such an overdramatic queen.
Despite you liking someone else.
Despite everything.
I still hold something that couldn't be open, couldn't be touched, couldn't be felt anymore.
Despite you liking someone else.
Despite everything.
I still hold something that couldn't be open, couldn't be touched, couldn't be felt anymore.
I know that I won't be with you till the end, so why does my heart tell me a different story?
annatanzyilyn ♥ 2:17 PM.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I decided to come back and blog, mainly because I guess I have lots of things to write about life, college and drama.
I've finally overcome the emptiness in me, and beginning to find ways to love again.
So yes, if any of you actually reads this, I think I'm in love with this guy.
Who probably doesn't know I exist. Unless I talked to him.
He's...cute. I think...?
Lots of people don't think so.
I don't like his voice.
I don't like too much of his swearing.
I don't like how he looks sometimes.
I don't like how he doesn't even talk to me when I'm just right next to him.
So you will all be wondering, how the heck do you even like him?
My answer is: I have no idea.
You don't think before you fall, so obviously when I fell, you expect me to know what happened?
*Sighs*
annatanzyilyn ♥ 12:10 PM.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
and i miss him more than ever.
annatanzyilyn ♥ 1:00 AM.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Why did you fall out when I was starting to fall in?
I don't feel like posting anything regarding day 1 or day 2 or whatsoever.
I cried yesterday.
I cried from 12 in the morning till like 4 pm.
And it was raining.
I was tempted to run into the rain and cry.
It was an ending that wasn't painful but yet I weep.
It wasn't a heartbreak but yet I hurt.
On that day I saw him, fell in love with him once more.
On that day, he talks to his mom, and he realises that it wasn't going to work out somehow.
On that day, what he used to believe in relationships had changed into my believes.
And on that day, he told me he loved me.
But it just wasn't the same.
But things work out somehow.
We still talk, but I told him how I really felt.
He was ready to move on but somehow I'm holding him back.
I thought about moving on but realised I had no courage to do so.
I don't want an ending.
Not too soon.
Not with me crying everytime I delete his messages.
He's just too nice a man.
annatanzyilyn ♥ 1:43 PM.
